A malady of our time is the topic of our reflection today my friend.
It is so lovely to have you here, shall we begin our time together?
I have prepared a special tray just for us, it has vintage cups, tiny sugar bowl, milk jug & freshly baked Gf scones with homemade strawberry jam for our treat.
We are sitting at my dining room table which is positioned in front of a double sliding glass door that looks out onto our front garden.
Our tea blend today is an unusual one that I think you may enjoy, it is called Orange Pekoe.
I have the teapot, so as I pour our tea or would you prefer coffee? We will begin reflecting on today’s topic…
This guilt seems to be a malady of recent times
Although, it may have always been.
I have observed this in young & old Mum’s across cultural borders & whether birth, adoptive, step or foster mamas, many still experience this phenomenon.
Let me explain what exactly Mother guilt is;
it is the feeling we have not done or doing enough for our children.
It is a very unpleasant feeling for any Mama who has & is doing her absolute best for her children, whether they are young children, teens or adults.
Doing her best with the knowledge, life experience, circumstances, health, energy resources & maturity she has at any given time along the way.
So, why do we feel this way?
It comes down to what we either continually expect of ourselves (I am guilty of this one) or the pressure of expectations that are continually placed upon us.
Maybe it’s a combination of both?
For over the past 50+ years media have had a huge part to play in the expectations that are placed upon motherhood.
I grew up with movies & tv programs where the mother always had the perfect house, her children were always clean, neat, well mannered & well behaved at all times!
She was the perfect mother, wife & cook, always had a smile on her face & the perfect words on her tongue for every occasion.
She did everything perfectly to keep the family running smoothly.
Of course the reality of motherhood was never shown…
That imperfection, exhaustion & messiness reign with raising children!
Conversely, mothers who fell outside of this projected ‘normality of perfection’ were severely judged & found wanting!
Which I am here to tell you is all of us Mamas!
I don’t know about you but as hard as I tried & I can tell you I tried to the point of exhaustion!
I could never attain that level of perfection!
I am not the perfect Mama!
My children may have started the day clean, neat & tidy but by the end of the day they were not. Because they were children!
I taught them good manners in what was acceptable social behavior & what wasn’t.
I gave them a solid foundation of God’s love & principles but children are children they mess up, just like us adults!
While of course we want to do our very best for our children, this is absolutely without question!
What they really need is…
Relationship
The main thing they truly need & want from us is relationship with their Mama!
They want to be with us, spending quality time with us, watching us go through both the good times & the challenging times of life.
So they too can learn what a real role model of resilience looks like, imperfect & messy but keeps on trying.
And in observing us meeting & overcoming the challenges in life they learn that they can too.
Hopefully going on to lead their best lives in the good & the challenging times that will inevitably greet them as adults!
So, Mamas let us who have done & are still doing our best for our children, whatever age they may be & whatever capacity we may have.
Put away Mama guilt in all its manifestations & see the real priorities.
Spending quality time with our children & grandchildren when we can.
Enjoying precious moments of a relationship for what it is, imperfect & messy…
But loving each other with kindness, patience & respect through the good times & challenging times!
I hope you enjoyed our time together & the Orange Pekoe tea.
Until next time,
Jennifer
You’re most welcome to join me in The Reading Nook
Or
In Prayer
© 2018 Jennifer M. Ross, teawithjennifer.blog All Rights Reserved. Photos on Pexels.com
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I’ve really struggled with mom guilt over the years. I write my sons a letter each year, since they were children (they are now all three adults). And every year I find myself wanting to apologize for certain things I didn’t do right, that ultimately might have harmed them. I think this is because of my great love for them and my desire that things go well for them in life. But the struggle they face–dysfunction and all–is used by God to refine their faith and character. So I try to let go of the guilt and trust the One who cleanses me of that guilt. Thanks so much for this touching and meaningful post, Jennifer! Nice to meet you too!
Nice to have you drop by!
I agree God meets us in our dysfunction & works with us to His plan for us & our children…
There is a lovely saying;
A mother was lamenting over the waywardness of her child…crying & blaming herself for it. God suddenly stood beside her & with His arm around her shoulder said “Child, don’t think being an imperfect Mama has caused this, I am the perfect Father & look at my children & the choices they make!”
Sometimes I think it’s not just momma guilt but female guilt. I see young women without children judging themselves harshly. I do feel the tide is turning though about showing only perfect moms. I remember when Roseanne first came on tv and it was so refreshing to see a non-perfect family.
Yes, I see this too in young women & old, we really need to be kinder to ourselves in this…
Lovely having you drop by Julia!
I needed your encouragment today – my parenting and my kids are not perfect. We have a good relationship for which I’m so grateful – still need to pray more and talk less, however!
Yes, we all need encouragement in our relationships….I’m so glad you found it here today…prayer & love is definitely the key!
Lovely having you drop by!
Mama guilt is so insidious that it can strike when your kids have left the nest! As I watch my daughter interact with our grandson, I feel guilt because I don’t remember taking such delight in her and her sister when they were young. Well, it’s never too late! I delight in them (and our grandson, of course) NOW!
Yes, I agree Anita, all my girls are adults with their own families & I still feel it at times, especially when they are unwell, or struggling with a challenge in their lives & I can’t be there because of chronic health issues of my own, although I try my best when my body allows….
Now, I enjoy the quality time we have together when I am able…
Jennifer, throughout my entire life, all of my problems have been dealt with over a cup of tea, so I was pleased to discover your lovely blog this morning at the Creative Mondays Link Up. (My current post is one of my favourite tea sandwiches.)
Yes, tea time is such a great focus to share, I always offered my clients one before our sessions together. It helps to create a relaxed & yet productive time!
I’ll check your sandwiches out!
Wise words! It is easy in all kinds of areas to feel guilt because of the pressures we put on ourselves or the expectations of others. As you say, love is the most important thing.
Definitely Lesley, lovely to have you drop by.
Jennifer, I think most of us have felt overwhelmed and lacking in the Mama department on so many occasions. I am blessed to keep my only grandchild three days a week! With all of life experiences, I now realize just enjoy the moments, they pass too quickly! I love tea and scones with you, great post!
Lovely to have you drop by Pam! I totally agree, enjoying the precious moments when we get them for what they are, as time goes incredibly fast.
How lovely to have that time each week with your grandchild!
It is amazing that no matter what the child’s age somehow we mothers still feel guilt about not doing or being enough for our family. This post is a lovely reminder about what relationships should be. You should repost it on Mother’s Day.
Yes it is definitely a malady for us Mamas… Thank you Bernadette, our Mother’s day is coming up next month too! When is your Mother’s day in your part of the world?
I’ll have to work out how to repost! Lol! Still learning!
Our Mother’s Day is the third Sunday in May.
Oh okay…thanks Bernadette… our Mother’s day in Australia is on the 2nd Sunday of May!
Jennifer – Oh – momma guilt – yep, I know that one all too well. thanks for sharing some good thoughts on how to overcome the guilt and by the way, I prefer tea, and your orange pekoe sounds divine! thanks for stopping by my place and leaving a comment and an invitation to stop on by for some tea . I am glad I did. I sure hope you also took the time to link up with #TuneInThursday this week while you were there visiting. 🙂 I would sure love to have you – (Maybe you already did and I just didn’t see it… ooops and sorry if that is the case. ) Enjoy your weekend.
Hi Debbie,
Nice to have you drop by! Yep I was there with my post Mending brokenness
Jennifer
I am grateful for all the “substitute” mothers in my life, too. They demonstrated all these things which my own mother could not. They allowed me to be a good enough mother and now grandmother.
There are special women along my journey too who have been very influential.