Recently, I’ve been watching a British programme called Long Lost Family, the programme helps those who had been adopted or separated from their families to be reunited.

At the moment the show is revisiting those families who had been reunited to see how it’s been since their reunion.

What I’ve noticed is that while most families are going famously, others have sadly become estranged.

Today, I thought we would reflect upon those who are estranged from their families either by choice or by rejection. And the families who miss their estranged loved ones.

I know there are many hurting parents out there of estranged adult children. As a Clinical Counsellor, I had many such parents come to me for help because they were absolutely heartbroken.

But before we start our discussion let’s grab our cuppa’s, a treat & get comfy. Today I’m enjoying a mug of Caramel Coffee Latté with a slice of gf Blueberry & Coconut almond loaf. What are you having my friend?

What is estrangement?

First I think we need to clarify what estrangement means, it’s;

a separation, a schism, a rift, no longer on friendly terms.

There can be many reasons why a family member steps back from the family or from certain family members.

Although, in my professional experience there is a common root that is in all estrangements & partial estrangements.

To clarify what a partial estrangement is – it’s a particular family member’s tolerated presence within the family but kept at arms length relationally by certain family members, often their behaviour is vilified by the family member/s who are imposing the partial estrangement. 

Before we look at the common root let’s look at some of the reasons & these can be on either or both sides of the estrangement;

• unmet idealistic expectations of the relationship
• misunderstandings
• jealousies 
• unforgiveness
• bitterness
• continuing a legacy of unforgiveness & bitterness 

Please Note; I’m not talking about an estrangement that has occurred because of abuse or any criminal activity here. As that comes under an entirely different category altogether. No I’m talking about estrangements that may come from the list above.

The Common Root

Sadly, many estrangements happen because the person/s concerned become overwhelmed by the situation & although one or even both sides may have tried to address the reason, there hasn’t been a mutual understanding to go forward.

The common root is;

overwhelming emotional pain

Emotional pain is often expressed by various emotions & behaviours. Some examples are; grief, anger, feigned disinterest, fear, anxiety, sadness, a partial or total disassociation from the family as a whole or  from particular family members.

Or there may be an attempt to block out the emotional pain by totally focusing upon one thing eg. a particular relationship, work/career, hobbies, pets, travel or even substances.

However, what often happens with estrangements is that the actual root cause hasn’t been discussed or even highlighted to the other party. So they’re often in the dark as to why their loved one has gradually or suddenly become estranged.

Thus a cycle of emotional pain continues on both sides of the estrangement.

How can this be overcome?

Well this is the tricky bit when you’re dealing with people in emotional pain, both sides need to be willing to come together, preferably with a neutral mediator, to be able to listen to one another.

If one or the other won’t come to mediation then the estrangement will continue. And we must remember that even this choice must be respected. For if you push someone who is in emotional pain it will only have the opposite affect that you desire.

In these cases I always recommended those seeking peace & reconciliation but coming up against an emotional brick wall with the other party, to first & foremost hand their loved one over to the Lord, trusting Him to bring about a time when things can be turned around.

“Be humbled therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you in due time, give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7

Then continue to bring them before the Lord in prayer while you get on with what God has called you to do in your life. Allowing Him to do His healing work in both of your lives.

Yes, this may take years or even decades, not because God is impotent, He is not, but because hearts & circumstances may need to align for this to happen. But eventually it will!

I can attest to this, having experienced over four decades in an imposed partial estrangement upon me by a certain family member, but God was working in those decades!

I shared what the exciting outcome was in my post;

Alone in the Wilderness?

The Take Away

If you have estranged loved ones, are estranged from your family or maybe in a familial imposed partial estrangement don’t give up. Keep praying, keep being faithful & trusting God that one day He will turn it around so true reconciliation can occur! 

Until next time,

Jennifer

You’re most welcome to join me in The Reading Nook

or in Prayer

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© 2024 Jennifer M. Ross, All Rights Reserved. Photo by Kindel Media at pexels.com

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