This was a statement made to me many years ago by a patient, when I asked why they thought their friend was lying, they replied;
“Because she won’t look me in the eye when she talks to me!”
Hmmmm….
We will be exploring this important topic today as many people use this as a measurement for honesty in others.
But is this wise to do so?
Before we begin grab yourself a cuppa, a treat & get comfy.
The belief surrounding this measurement of Honesty
Like that patient, we may have grown up with this measurement of honesty & we may have used this in our life for that reason.
But is there any actual truth to this belief?
The short answer will shock you, as it’s a resounding…No!
There are many reasons why a person may feel uncomfortable in holding eye contact with another.
And those reasons have nothing to do with lying, being dishonest or being deceptive.
So let’s explore some of these & how this belief made its way into popular culture.
Where it all began
You may be surprised to know that this belief ‘of looking a person in the eye as a measurement of their honesty’ actually originates thousands of years ago.
As the eyes were believed to be a window to the soul. Which has perpetrated down through the ages.
And then in the time of the Jack the Ripper murders in England, the belief of Optography, that the eyes were thought to record an imprint of the last thing a person saw as they died was explored in the victims, to hopefully glimpse the murderer, of course the results were to no avail.
Current Research
There has been a great deal of research done in the last two decades on this topic of eye contact & eye movement in relation to honesty with the explosion of the ‘body language’ movement & popular fictional forensic shows.
With the miss held belief that a person who is lying will either look to the left or right when they’re lying depending on which hemisphere of the brain they use, either right or left brained (which has also been debunked as we use both sides of the brain interchangeably).
Research found that a practiced liar will look another person in the eye & tell an absolute untruth without losing eye contact or having any eye movement!
Reasons for a lack of eye contact
There can be many reasons for a lack of eye contact, some are;
- Cultural reasons, in many cultures it is disrespectful to hold eye contact with another.
- Past abuse, the abuser may have intimidated by holding eye contact with their victim & had a certain ‘look’ that spelt coming abuse.
- Social anxiety, those who have social anxiety find it extremely difficult to hold eye contact.
- Confrontation, it can be very confronting for some people to hold eye contact, especially if they’re non confrontational.
- Family culture, a person’s upbringing around holding eye contact will have a huge bearing how they process this in adulthood.
So what can we take away from this?
We know that in expressing emotions our eyes are involved, just how much depends on the expressive nature of the individual.
As some individuals are much more expressive then others.
For example we know that the eyes can be used to stare down an opponent in competition, also in intimidation of another or in an aggressive stance.
We know that babes look into their mother’s eyes for reassurance & comfort.
Those of us who are parents know that we can give our child ‘a certain look’ of disapproval when they’re misbehaving that will tell them we are not impressed by their behaviour.
We can also give our loved ones a look to express our love, reassurance & comfort.
Yes, we can express a great deal in our emotions that include our eyes…
But holding eye contact with another as a measurement of honesty isn’t one of the them.
Scripture tells us that our eyes are important, especially in how we use them (what we choose to look at) as they’re a direct link to how our thought life is going.
We see this in Jesus’ message of the Sermon on the Mount;
“The eye is the lamp of the body; so if your eye is clear [spiritually perceptive], your whole body will be full of light [benefiting from God’s perspective].”
Matt 6:22
How do we tell someone is lying?
This is tricky, even for us professionals!
While parents can often tell (but not always) when they’re child is lying by their child’s body language because they know their child.
In others it is far more difficult as body language is not a science & one size does not fit all in behaviour or body movement.
Personally, I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, in other words trust that they’re telling me the truth until proven otherwise.
I’d love to hear how you measure truth in others.
Until next time,
Jennifer
You’re also most welcome to join me in The Reading Nook
Or in Prayer
© 2023 Jennifer M. Ross, teawithjennifer.blog All Rights Reserved. Photo by Jonathan Borba on Pexels.com
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Wow, that was really good! I always suspected not looking in the eyes could mean other things than lying. Such as, “I really don’t want to talk to you.” Or even if the other person has bad breath and you don’t want to have eye contact so you can get away! 🙂
Thank you Janine. Yes, there can be many reasons why a person doesn’t have or keep eye contact with another. Lovely having you join me here today 😊
Really interesting. Thanks!
You’re most welcome Lauren 😊
I think we all want that super power to be able to read people so we won’t be taken advantage of. Sometimes the Holy Spirit, who always knows the truth, alerts me when something isn’t right. I used to try to talk myself out of those warnings. Now I try to stay alert. I like how you brought out so many options that can be behind something.
Thank you Debbie ☺️. Yes, it’s always important to listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompts…isn’t it?
We used to watch a program about someone who was supposed to be an expert in body language who then became a detective. I would get so mad watching it, because I felt a number of these judgments were off. Body language could be explained by a number of factors, like those you have mentioned here. Another common belief is that folded arms indicate hostility or aloofness. Then I saw a video saying folded arms are a type of self-soothing. For me, I sit that way when I don’t know what else to do with my hands.
You’re so right that we need to be careful about assuming. We need to get to know people before we can make any claim to know what they are feeling. We can be wrong with even our closest loved ones some times.
Yes I agree Barbara, unfortunately there are too many dangerous assumptions in the Body language movement that read an individual’s postering as nefarious when it’s simply an adjustment to get comfortable.
My husband and I were talking about this subject a couple of days ago so I found your post very interesting. I agree with your final comments. It’s good to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and trust God to reveal the truth if there is something that needs to come to light. In counseling women who suspect their husbands of infidelity, I often encourage them in this. And it’s been amazing to see how God exposes what needs to be exposed in His time.
I love how God reveals the truth in his timing Donna.
Very interesting post. I’ve always found body language interesting, but you have some excellent points here that eye contact alone can’t tell you that someone is lying. My husband and three stepchildren are on the spectrum, and one of them sometimes has trouble with eye contact, but that doesn’t make him a liar. I love what someone mentioned before: developing a relationship and getting to know a person is really the best way to know if they’re lying. And speaking of that, I’ve known people who believed what they said as they said it (I believe), but never backed up anything they said. That’s probably different territory, though.
Thank you Ashley. Yes, there are many reasons why people don’t have eye contact… all of which are not bases for lying.
Yes perception is different territory 😉
Not holding eye contact can be because someone is thinking, so they glance off to gather their thoughts. I have heard that when people lie, they blink a lot. Have you found that to be true, Jennifer?
No, I haven’t found that Lisa.
There are many theories & suppositions about eye contact & movement unfortunately none have held up under closer examination in research.
For example; a person can blink more often if they’re anxious, nervous or they have allergies, dry eyes or something in their eye. 🤔
The sociopath in my childhood had prolonged direct eye contact. I never rely on that to know the truth! I like relationships to unfold before I can discern truth from lies and exaggerations.
I’m saddened to hear that you had that experience in childhood Elizabeth.
You have raised a good point in that relationships need to develop for us to have a clearer understanding of the other person.
Thank you for understanding.
That was great, Jennifer; thank you. The devil is the chief of liars and does not look us in the eye. I am pleased that Jesus is the truth and that the Holy Spirit gives us discernment to know the truth from lies.
Thank you Heather. The Holy Spirit will definitely reveal all truth in His timing. 🙂
Bless you
Thank you, Jennifer for a thought provoking post. I know for sure I have had people look me in the eye and lie. I have never used that as a gage for knowing whether someone is being truthful. Sometimes, I just know that someone is lying, other times I may not.
Blessings,
Pam
You’re most welcome Pam, it’s always interesting how certain beliefs are continued through popular culture…isn’t it?
Bless you sweet friend ❤️